I’m so excited. I had my sobriety birthday on February 10, 2009. It was truly amazing and surreal. I am so grateful and humbled by the mercy and grace that God has shown me, throughout my whole life, but in particular this last year.
How much sweeter life is today. How much more vivid, clear and rewarding. I am happy to report that I have not thrown up one single time in the past year. I remember everything that happened at every party, gathering , or event that I went to in the past year. I have not had one hangover in a year. For me, these are pretty amazing achievements. I could have done none of it by myself. But I can do all things through God, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
There have been many times throughout this year that I wanted to drink. The memories of how life was when I was drinking are painful, but I have prayed that I never forget them. I may want to drink, but I never want to live like that again. I never want to put myself through that again and I never want to put my family through that again.
My husband and my kids are far easier on me than I am on myself. I always seemed to “manage” my drinking fairly well, I guess, at least as far as they were concerned. I tried to keep my drinking limited to when my kids weren’t around (or else I just kept it hidden) so when I finally did claim my addiction they were actually kind of surprised. My husband was with me during a lot of my drinking but when I would get really drunk I would be at a party or a gathering, so I guess he didn’t think it was too out of the ordinary. Plus, we hung out with a pretty fast, hard partying crowd, so I was certainly no worse than anyone else. This of course, was no accident. I wound up surrounding myself with people who were like me to make myself feel “Ok”. What Todd didn’t know (or didn’t want to acknowledge) was how much I drank on my own. Not enough to get blind, runnin’ drunk, but if there was bourbon in the house, I couldn’t wait to have that first drink after I’d gotten everybody settled in at night. Eventually the first drink came earlier and earlier after I got home from work.
Todd used to joke that “an open bottle is an empty bottle” , but it wasn’t a joke, it was true. After he’d said that a couple of times, I began to hear it in my head when I would drink. I loved wine, but I would “pace myself” so that I could prove him wrong. I would space it out so that a bottle would last sometimes three days. A Victory! Three whole days. While I congratulated myself on proving him wrong, that I could leave wine in the bottle, I THOUGHT about it CONSTANTLY. It literally called to me.
Drinking, whether I was doing it, thinking about it, wishing I could do it, feeling guilty about doing it, or recovering from doing it, was all-consuming.
And, as much as I loved wine, bourbon was absolutely my drink of choice. It was soooooo good right up until the moment it all went soooooo bad. We kept it under the sink and I would just think about it all the time. I could see it in my mind’s eye, just sitting there.
I also tried to manage my drinking by not buying any bourbon. That would work ok for awhile, until Todd bought some. Then I would “treat myself” since it had been awhile since I’d had any. Then we were off to the races again.
Life, “Part Deux” (Hot Shots reference for geeks like me!), has proven to be at times painful, stressful, and way too real. But most of the time, it is beautiful. Even if my kids never realized how it affected me, I knew it. I knew how much I had robbed them, and especially myself, of time spent with them. They’re young, they think they’re immortal. I realize all too well that life is short and it is precious. Every second counts and I have wasted far too many of them.
My dad was an alcoholic and he died when he was 51. I’ll be 39 in less than a month. He died never knowing freedom from his bondage, from his pain. I couldn’t help him when he was alive and I certainly can’t help him now. But I can learn from him. His life and death were such a wasteful tragedy. But if I can learn from him, and if I can help others like us, then perhaps it will not have been for nothing.
I think about him all the time. We never had a good relationship. I know he loved me as much as he could, but his addiction was stronger than any love that he had for anyone. I wish I could tell him, though, that I get it. That I understand. I did forgive him and I did tell him that I forgave him before he died. I hope he heard me.
I have had so much joy in the past year. So many blessings. For every time I’ve felt stressed, I’ve had multiple times when I’ve felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Life is good. Really, really good.
My AA group has been such an incredible lifeline for me. I have felt so at home and so comfortable with these women, in a way I have never felt anywhere before. Nobody looks at me like I have two heads in those rooms. There is such acceptance and love and support. We celebrated our “AA” birthdays at our meeting last night and, as happy as I was for myself, all of those women were just as happy for me. There are women in our group that have less than a month sobriety and women that have 13 years, and every level in between. But every one of us knows what it feels like to stop drinking and to work every day to stay stopped. We are all there to lift each other up, to celebrate each other’s joys and to help each other through our hard times. I am so grateful to have found them.
If anyone reading this struggles like I have, I pray that you will find peace. I pray that you would call your local AA chapter or go to www.aa.org and get more information. There can be peace. There can be joy. Life can be beautiful again. These are not just my promises. God’s grace and mercy and love is not just for me. It’s for everyone that says, even in the tiniest, smallest voice, like I did a year ago, “I cannot do this alone, God. I need your help.”
God, thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for life. Thank you for second, and third, and fourth chances. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I had given up on myself. Thank you for being my soft place to fall. Thank you for the women in my AA group. I pray that I use the gifts you have given me to help others know your love and know the peace you want for them. It is through you that I got sober and it is through you that I stay sober. I pray that I never take my sobriety for granted or become smug, but that I remember every day to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Stay with me, Lord, and help me continue to grow in my sobriety. It is in your holy name that I pray, Amen.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
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